Reason #41: Honesty.
IMPORTANT: This post contains multiple mentions and contains themes of adult topics such as suicidal ideation. It is not suitable for all audiences.
My last reason made it seem like I specifically went home for a week or so to spend time with baby Raisin, that I had planned on doing so for ages and it was all part of a plan. The reality is, that was a lie.
Sure, I had planned on being around after my cousin gave birth, but her due date was 2 weeks before she'd end up giving birth.
The truth is that 3 days before she gave birth, I attempted to take my life. I made a video to function as a suicide note, and in it I talked about how I've been lucky. Lucky to lead an incredible life full of amazing friends, supportive family, and experiences that can't be topped.
The reason was a mixture of guilt, feeling like I didn't deserve the good times. That my friends are being held back by my presence, and that they be happier without me. But also content.
The feeling that I'm going to die one day. After all, everybody knows that everybody dies, so on the scale of a cosmic infinity, does it really matter when I die?
There was a third though, and that was fear. I'm going through a pretty large change in my life, and the thing I can't help but think is "what if my life has peaked? What if it's all down hill from here. I rolled the dice and got a 5, if I re-roll, how likely am I to get a 6?"
The truth is that Raisin has given me a lot of energy, spending time with her was priceless. I've gotten better at telling those around me how I'm doing. I had a proper conversation with my family about how I am for the first time in years. But it's not a straight line to better.
I've started taking medication and seeing a professional, but it doesn't stop me from sometimes feeling like I'm just broken. I'll probably be okay, but don't know for sure.
Some days there isn't a reason, and I am working to be better at accepting that.
Note: I am currently safe whilst I write this, and have no plans to take my life. If you do, please contact a local helpline.
Today was a 7/10
This post is part of a series called "The Reason". I haven't committed to living forever, but I find a reason to live for one more day every day. Read the rest of the series here.